


Xtreme Science

by Tiffany_Park



Category: Dexter's Laboratory, Stargate: SG-1
Genre: Adventure, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-08-28
Updated: 2000-08-28
Packaged: 2017-10-23 08:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/248389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiffany_Park/pseuds/Tiffany_Park
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a Boy Genius and his hyperactive sister invade the SGC, the unhappy members of SG-1 discover that they have no talent at babysitting precocious children. Meanwhile, the Goa'uld System Lords are plotting a terrible revenge against the Earth. Crossover with Dexter's Laboratory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Xtreme Science

**Author's Note:**

> TITLE: X-treme Science  
> AUTHOR: Tiffany Park  
> STATUS: Complete  
> CATEGORY: Humor, Action/Adventure, Crossover with Dexter's Laboratory  
> SPOILERS: Mostly "The Serpent's Lair," but any episode up to and including "The Fifth Race" is "Fair Game."  
> SEASON: Second season, sometime after "The Serpent's Lair."  
> RATING: PG-13  
> CONTENT WARNINGS: Mild language, some violence. A large number of implied character deaths (all villains, never fear). Don't look for logic or reason--there isn't any.  
> SUMMARY: When a Boy Genius and his hyperactive sister invade the SGC, the unhappy members of SG-1 discover that they have no talent at babysitting precocious children. Meanwhile, the Goa'uld System Lords are plotting a terrible revenge against the Earth. Crossover with Dexter's Laboratory.  
> ARCHIVE: Please ask.  
> DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. Dexter's Laboratory and its characters were created by Genndy Tartakovsky, and are the property of Rough Draft Studios, Hanna-Barbera Productions, and Warner Brothers. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.  
> AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, you guys are all gonna hate me for this, but if you're not familiar with Dexter's and DeeDee's idiosyncrasies and vocal inflections, my recommendation is to just skip this story. It'll seem pretty flat, not to mention a complete waste of time, otherwise. (FYI, if anyone's interested, the Cartoon Network is currently airing Dexter's Laboratory.)
> 
> Special thanks--or blame--to my poor, put-upon beta reader, Rachelle. This story would never have been completed without her nagging.

  
**X-treme Science  
**   


**by**

 **Tiffany Park**

In his secret laboratory beneath his parents' suburban home, Dexter, Boy Genius, was frowning at the alert flashing on one of his supercomputer's auxiliary monitors. "I do not believe it!" he exclaimed, his voice laced with a strong, but curiously unidentifiable, Eastern European accent. "It is happening again. Who on Earth besides myself could possibly have developed the technology to generate a stable, traversable wormhole?"

Although only six years old, Dexter's towering intellect already surpassed that of the most brilliant scientists alive. Before he had reached four years of age, he had constructed the most technologically advanced laboratory on Earth, and filled it to capacity with wondrous scientific equipment. He was a prodigy, a documented genius. He knew it, and he made certain that everyone he encountered knew it, as well.

However, since he was only six and barely two feet tall besides, he realized he was at a slight disadvantage in the credibility department. His shock of curly red hair didn't help matters any. To that end, he made certain he was always dressed to fit his self-appointed role as Earth's premier scientist. Invariably, he was garbed in a white lab coat, black boots, and purple gloves. Thick, black-rimmed glasses perched upon his nose, emphasizing his superior air of elitist intellectualism.

While Dexter puzzled over the strange readings, a skinny, gangly girl, eleven years of age, with big blue eyes and blonde hair done up in two bouncy pony tails, energetically bounded into the lab. As she was dressed in a pink ballet suit, complete with tutu and ballet slippers, the casual observer could be forgiven for assuming that she might also possess some of the fabled dancer's grace. Alas, this was not the case.

She leaped and spun about the room to music only she could hear. With each step, another Erlenmeyer flask was broken, another condensing coil shattered. She pirouetted, and a microscope tumbled to the floor. Crashes, crunches, and small explosions could be heard throughout the lab.

"DeeDee! Stop that! How many times must I tell you to stay out of my laboratory!" Dexter shouted at her, seriously irritated, although in all honesty he had to admit that she was being less destructive than normal.

She flashed him a big grin, then her eye was caught by a large machine, seemingly composed of an enormous metal sphere surrounded by an endless tangle of transparent, twisting tubes. Glowing green liquid flowed through the pipes, into the sphere, and back out into the pipes again. A large panel was set before the device, and at the center of the controls was a bright red button. Like a moth to a flame, DeeDee couldn't help but be drawn to that enticing object. "Oooooh," she said, gazing at it with reverence. "What does this button do?" Unlike her brother's, DeeDee's voice bore a typical, middle-America, raised-in-the-suburbs-and-highly-generic accent.

"Oh, no!" Dexter cried as he saw her destination. "Do not touch that! You will ruin my Organo-Metallic Cold Fusion experiment!"

No sooner had he spoken than DeeDee pressed the button. Brilliant bolts of lightning suddenly arced across the lab, then the machine emitted a pathetic humming noise. Before Dexter's appalled eyes, the reaction chamber melted into a puddle of hot goo, which smoked and hissed and bubbled as it ate into the linoleum. In no time at all, nothing remained of the apparatus but a bottomless pit in the floor.

DeeDee paused in her graceless ballet. She stuck a finger in her mouth and stared at the gaping hole. "Did I do that?"

"Oh, what a stupid sister I am saddled with," Dexter groaned, theatrically slapping a hand to his forehead.

As usual, DeeDee looked honestly contrite at the chaos she had wrought. "I'm sorry, Dexter."

"Why don't you go to ballet class or something?"

"There's no class today."

"No, there wouldn't be," Dexter grumbled. He turned back to his monitor and adjusted a few controls to sharpen the image it displayed. It showed a three-dimensional diagram of a sheet, loosely folded over on itself. Each side of the sheet had a deep indentation at its center. The indentations elongated and stretched inwards, towards one another, so that the two sides of the sheet were connected by a narrow cylinder.

"What's that, Dexter?" DeeDee asked, staring over his shoulder.

"That," he informed her, "is an embedding diagram of a wormhole."

"A worm-what?"

"An interdimensional passage between two points in our universe. Someone on this world has discovered wormhole technology, and is foolishly making use of it!"

"Oh." DeeDee mulled that over, then asked, "Do you want to play Pretty Puff Ponies with me, Dexter?"

"DeeDee! I have no time for games! Don't you understand?" As Dexter stared into her empty blue eyes, he realized that she couldn't possibly comprehend the significance of this discovery. "Those fools have no concept of the forces they are toying with!"

"Oh. Is that bad?"

"The fate of the world may be at stake!" Dexter activated another piece of equipment, tying it in to the master computer. "I shall use my Omni-Directional Space-Time Scanner to locate the origin point of these wormholes, and feed the coordinates to my Sub-Spatial Demolecularizing Teleportation Device. It will take me straight to the source of this phenomenon."

"Ooooooh, you're gonna find the worm-thingies? Can I come, too, Dexter? Please, pretty please?" DeeDee pleaded, batting her big blue eyes at him. The charming effect was immediately ruined when she started jittering like a recovering caffeine addict. "Pleeeease?"

Dexter sighed and rolled his eyes. "Oh, all right. You can come along. But be sure to stay out of my way! I have important scientific work to do."

"Yippee!" DeeDee bounced up and down in her joy.

Dexter loaded his Porto-Lab into a small backpack, then entered a tubular glass booth. "Well, come on, DeeDee," he said impatiently. "We don't have all day."

DeeDee hopped into the booth with him. There was a brilliant flash of light. When it faded, Dexter and DeeDee found themselves in a cavernous enclosure of concrete. It was filled with what Dexter considered to be jury-rigged equipment, and while the arrangement of the gear seemed novel enough, he couldn't be bothered to look very closely at it.

Instead, all his attention was focused upon the enormous, dark gray ring that dominated the room. It sat upon a high pedestal, like some ancient pagan idol. A long, metal ramp led up to its center, and industrial-strength power linkages and conduits were connected to it at regular intervals.

Staring at the device, DeeDee asked, "Dexter, what's that?"

"I believe it is the reason for our journey, DeeDee."

Dexter reverently approached the imposing ring. He paused in front of it, basking in its ambiance, then pulled a small, hand-held scanner out of his Porto-Lab and began to take readings. "Yes, indeed, this is it. This is where they generate their wormholes!"

DeeDee sucked on a finger and stared blankly at him.

"DeeDee, this material appears to be Naquada. I have long theorized its existence, but never before encountered an actual specimen." Dexter continued to scan the Stargate, entranced at the opportunity, while DeeDee watched curiously. "It is absolutely required to generate an artificial wormhole, as it permits the creation of exotic matter--"

"Huh?"

"That is matter with negative mass and positive surface pressure. It is necessary in order to create a wormhole that is stable enough for matter to travel through it without causing it to collapse. You must line the throat of the wormhole with the exotic matter and..." Dexter stopped when he saw the blank look on DeeDee's face. "Oh, never mind," he grumped as he continued scanning. The results were so fascinating that even DeeDee's amazing ignorance didn't bother him for long. "I see it also uses the same demolecularizing technology that I employ in my teleportation devices. How interesting... And here is the coordinate system it uses... Amazing... Something this sophisticated could not possibly have been developed on Earth... At least, not without my assistance... It must be an alien device..."

"Dexter, I'm bored," DeeDee whined, but Dexter didn't even look up.

"It is amazing! This is an actual Stargate! See those designs on the ring's surface?" When DeeDee nodded, he continued, "They represent coordinates that specify physical and temporal locations in space-time, but I doubt the fools utilizing this technology realize that they have a time travel machine..."

"A time machine?" DeeDee asked, hoping for some entertainment.

"Stoopid girl. Anyone with the tiniest trace of intelligence should know that any wormhole can be made into a time machine," Dexter told her absently, not even casting a glance in her direction. "Hmmmm... My own time machine uses an eleven dimensional coordinate system... This one appears much simpler..." He continued to babble on to himself.

Sighing with ennui, DeeDee sat cross-legged on the ramp, rested her head in her hands, and sulked.

*****

It was an awfully quiet afternoon, Sergeant Harriman mused as he ran a systems check. Bored with waiting for the computer program to complete, he glanced out the observation window of the control room and froze, shocked by the sight before him. It looked like a little boy and girl were playing by the Stargate. He adjusted his glasses and rubbed his eyes, but the view didn't change one iota. The two children were still down there. How on Earth did they get into the embarkation room? He decided that someone with some authority should deal with this. "Colonel Makepeace!" he called over his shoulder. "Come take a look at this, sir."

Makepeace walked over. "What's the problem, Sergeant?"

Harriman answered by gesturing at the window.

Makepeace gaped for a moment at the two children, then told the sergeant, "Better sound the intruder alert and get some security people down here."

"For a couple of kids?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds dumb, but Hammond'll bust our asses if we don't follow procedure. I'll go corral those two." He shouldered his M16 out of pure habit and headed down into the embarkation room. "Why do I always get the shifts that this kind of stupid bullshit happens on?" he grumbled as he jogged down the spiral staircase. "Man, I need a transfer or something."

As Makepeace reached the floor and headed for the kids, the klaxons started their deafening blaring. The boy looked up, startled by the sudden noise, and caught sight of Makepeace approaching him. He frowned, then reached into his backpack and pulled out a small, rectangular device with a short antenna projecting from one end.

"Whatcha got there, Dexter?" the girl asked.

"This is my Pan-Dimensional Universal Remote Control, DeeDee," the boy replied.

A what? It certainly looked like a remote, but what was the rest of that? Makepeace stopped a few steps away from the children, not wanting to spook them. "Okay, kids, playtime is over--" he started.

Dexter pushed several buttons on the remote control. The room went silent; the security doors slammed shut and locked with loud _kerchunks_.

"What the--" Makepeace whirled around, realizing he was now trapped in the embarkation room with two children. He had never particularly cared much for children, nor had they ever seemed to like him, an arrangement that worked just fine as far as he was concerned. He watched with resignation as the blast shield on the control room window activated, cutting off his last contact with the rest of the base.

"Ah, that is better," Dexter said to DeeDee, with a strong Eastern European accent that Makepeace couldn't manage to identify, try as he might. "Now we won't be disturbed until I am finished."

"That's what you think, kiddo," Makepeace said, annoyed. He put his hands on his hips and tried to project some semblance of parental authority. "How did you do that?"

Dexter tucked his remote away. "I used my Pan-Dimensional Universal Remote Control, obviously," he stated with supreme self-assurance.

"Oh, obviously," Makepeace mimicked. The lockdown was probably just some kind of malfunction. Harriman had been running a systems check, after all. "Look, kid, I don't know how you two got in here--"

"We teleported, of course."

"Yeah!" DeeDee added, shaking her blonde pony tails and watching them flip back and forth. "We used Dexter's tele-thingy!"

Dexter rolled his eyes and heaved a long-suffering sigh. "As I keep telling you, DeeDee, it is a Sub-Spatial Demolecularizing Teleportation Device, not a tele-thingy."

Makepeace was getting exasperated. Children playing sci-fi games were all well and good, but this was a secured military base, for Christ's sake! "A what? Look, kid--"

"Please do not refer to me as 'kid'," Dexter replied, looking a trifle miffed. "I am Dexter, Boy Genius, and this is my sister, DeeDee."

"Hi!" DeeDee chirped mindlessly.

"What. Are. You. Two. Doing. Here?" Makepeace ground out, doing his level best not to start yelling at the kids.

"Oh, very well," Dexter huffed. "Since I understand that you Marines are reputed to be dumber than dirt, I shall endeavor to explain the situation in a manner which you have some dim hope of comprehending."

Makepeace might be a jarhead, but he wasn't so dumb that he didn't understand that statement. He glared at the kid, highly offended. "Excuse me?"

Looking down his nose at Makepeace--quite a feat, considering that Dexter was only two feet tall--the self-proclaimed Boy Genius blithely continued, "I recently detected an inordinate amount of wormhole activity originating from this location, so my sister DeeDee and I have traveled here to ascertain the cause. I must say that I am quite impressed with your Stargate. I had never dreamed that anyone on Earth had access to Naquada--even I have never been able to synthesize it in my laboratory. My studies of it shall further my scientific prowess in directions I had never dared dream of before."

Was this kid for real? At least his airhead of a sister seemed normal, if a bit hyper. Makepeace mulled over the things the kid had said to him, barring insults, of course. This Dexter knew way too much about the Stargate. Was he really just a kid, or was he some kind of alien, disguised as a kid to allay suspicion? Then there was that universal remote thing--perhaps it really had locked down the embarkation room.

Oblivious to the fact that he had lost his audience, Dexter was saying, "However, you should be made aware that your journeys through this device are quite dangerous. I myself have encountered a number of alien species that are not particularly friendly, and--"

"Dexter, this is boring!" DeeDee whined. "I wanna do something else."

The shrill whine jolted Makepeace out of his musings and back into the real world. He found it difficult to believe that any alien would be dumb enough to disguise itself as a child with an obnoxious voice like that, but then again, what kind of kids would know about Naquada and wormholes?

Kids or aliens, it didn't really matter. They weren't going anywhere until Hammond and the Security guys had a chance to thrash this out. "Okay, kids, here's what we're gonna do. You can come with me, and we'll go see the general, and he'll see about finding your parents, okay?" Let Hammond make the call about what to do with these two brats.

"That is unacceptable," Dexter announced haughtily. "I told you, I am here to study your Stargate, not talk to ignorant military men. Now, if you could find me someone with a modicum of intelligence to speak with--"

"Kid, I'm losing patience with you--"

Suddenly, DeeDee blew a raspberry and burst into frenzied activity. "Ollie ollie oxen free!" she called merrily, running in circles around Makepeace and poking at him with her pointy little fingers. "You're it! You're it!"

"Ouch! Hey, knock it off!"

"Come on! Let's play!" DeeDee paused long enough to tug Dexter's arm. "Come on, Dexter!"

"DeeDee, this is so childish," her brother protested. "I have important scientific work to do."

"Oh, come on, Dexter! Or the mean old grump will get you!" She pointed at Makepeace, made a grotesque face, and blew another raspberry.

Makepeace reflected that he really, really didn't like kids.

DeeDee continued to run in gleeful circles around him, giggling and singing an inane little tune. Dexter scowled at her, until she snatched the scanner from his hands. "Hey! DeeDee! Give that back!" called Dexter as he immediately gave chase.

Makepeace ground his teeth. Now two hyperactive children were running around him, poking at him and chattering like demented magpies.

All right, enough was enough. These rotten little snots were definitely going to see Hammond. Makepeace made a quick snatch at them and managed to snag DeeDee. "Hah! I gotcha, kid!"

"Uh uh! Can't catch me!" DeeDee chomped down on his hand, biting the webbing right between the thumb and forefinger. Makepeace howled and released her. DeeDee scampered around behind him, then squealed, "Ooooh, what's this?" She grabbed his M16 rifle and tugged hard.

"Hey! Leggo!" Makepeace grabbed the rifle strap and yanked back, practically pulling DeeDee off her feet.

In response, DeeDee dropped the scanner and gripped the rifle with both hands, pulling harder and giggling inanely, just as Dexter kicked Makepeace in the shin, shouting, "You leave my sister alone!" Makepeace cursed and lost his hold on the rifle strap, stumbling back several paces. DeeDee fell down on her rear, rifle in hand.

"Holy--" Makepeace found himself staring at the business end of his own M16. "Easy, there. Careful with that thing." He held both hands out and slowly edged towards the girl, intent on grabbing the rifle back.

Dexter looked perfectly composed. He cast a sneer at Makepeace, then sauntered over to his sister and eyed the gun in her hands. "DeeDee, you should be very careful with that. It is an M16A2 combat rifle."

"Ooooh," DeeDee said as she stood up. Her eyes grew very large. "How does it work?"

"First, you pull back that T-shaped handle. That loads a round into the firing chamber."

"Wait a minute--" Makepeace protested, but he was too late. A big grin on her face, DeeDee followed her brother's instructions perfectly. Makepeace's heart skipped a beat at the sound of the rifle cocking, and he carefully edged a little closer, hoping he'd get the chance to grab the M16 before the little monsters figured out where the safety was.

"Now, see that small lever?" Dexter continued to lecture. "Move that and you'll be able to fire the gun."

"Like this?" DeeDee moved the firing selector to Automatic.

"Good God, don't do that!" Makepeace gasped, quickly backing away from the two delinquents, who suddenly qualified as armed and very, very dangerous.

Dexter ignored him. "That's very good, DeeDee. Now, every time you pull the trigger, the gun will fire three rounds in rapid succession."

"Oooooh." DeeDee experimentally aimed the M16 at the ceiling and pulled the trigger. The thunder of gunfire echoed in the embarkation room.

"Jesus Christ!" Makepeace dropped flat on the floor and covered his head with his hands.

DeeDee shrieked in delight and exclaimed, "That's so loud!"

"Guns usually are, DeeDee," Dexter admonished her. "Now, you put the safety back on like this." He reached over and demonstrated that action for his sister.

In a flash, Makepeace was up and had snatched the rifle from DeeDee's hands, snarling, "Give me that, you little delinquent!" He unconsciously brought the M16 to bear on the children.

The blast doors opened up abruptly. General Hammond, Dr. Frasier, a whole slew of guards, and SG-1 all swarmed into the embarkation room and stopped dead at the sight confronting them: Colonel Makepeace, looking somewhat deranged and holding his M16 on two young children.

"Colonel Makepeace, what do you think you're doing? Lower that weapon and tell me what the devil is going on!" Hammond demanded. "Did I hear gunfire in here?"

"Sir!" Makepeace turned his head in surprise. "Sir, this girl fired a few rounds from my M16--"

"You let a little girl play with your M16?" Jackson's voice was incredulous.

"No, I did not let her play with my M16," Makepeace retorted, swinging around to glare at the archeologist. "She did that all on her own!"

"Whoa!" O'Neill exclaimed, ducking as the rifle muzzle passed his way. "Watch where you point that thing!" He took the rifle from Makepeace's hands, removed the magazine and cleared the firing chamber, then handed the weapon to one of the security guards. Makepeace didn't protest the action, although he did grind his teeth so hard it was audible to those standing nearest to him.

At that point, the boy stepped forward and took a small, arrogant bow. "Allow me to introduce myself, General. I am Dexter, Boy Genius, and this is my sister, DeeDee."

"Hi!" said DeeDee, her ponytails bouncing cheerfully.

O'Neill grinned and said, "Kinda cute, aren't they?"

Hammond nodded, adding, "That DeeDee reminds me a little of my eldest granddaughter."

"Cute?" Makepeace muttered under his breath, glaring at Dexter and DeeDee. "Cute? You people are completely nuts if you think they're cute."

Dexter added, "As you have no doubt observed, DeeDee is blissfully free of the ravages of intelligence." He fixed his ironic gaze on Makepeace and added in his most condescending tone, "I am certain that you and she will get along just fine."

"Why, you...you rotten little--" the Marine sputtered, balling his hands into impotent fists and taking a half step forward.

DeeDee immediately started bawling her eyes out, and Dexter ran and hid behind O'Neill, crying, "Don't let the mean man get me! I promise I'll be good!"

"Colonel, that's enough!" Hammond bellowed at Makepeace, over DeeDee's ear-splitting wails.

"Yeah, Makepeace, you gonna beat up a couple of little kids?" O'Neill couldn't stop himself from adding. He reached around and patted Dexter on the head. From behind the safety of O'Neill's legs, Dexter grinned and stuck his tongue out at Makepeace.

"Those aren't real kids!" Makepeace shouted.

"Oh? And what might they be, then?" O'Neill inquired politely. "Wolf cubs, perhaps?"

"I don't know what they are, but they're sure as hell not regular kids! That--that so-called _girl_ bit me and swiped my rifle!" Makepeace gestured wildly, first at the sniffling DeeDee, then at Dexter. The angry red teethmarks on his hand were clearly visible for all to see, and substantiated at least part of his story. Unfortunately for his credibility, he continued, "And that _boy's_ got some kind of weird remote control that he used to lock up the embarkation room! They know all about the Stargate! I think they're alien spies or something!"

Everyone stared at him in shock. Jackson muttered, "He's flipped."

Teal'c raised an impassive brow and replied, "This does seem an extreme reaction to the presence of two children."

Frasier gently took Makepeace's arm, saying, "Colonel, you're overwrought. I think you'd better come to the infirmary."

"No!" Makepeace shook his arm free. "You people need to understand--"

"Colonel Makepeace!" Hammond bellowed again, and Makepeace subsided, albeit reluctantly. Hammond continued in a quieter tone of voice, "We'll take care of this, Colonel. You go to the infirmary with Dr. Frasier and get that bite wound on your hand looked at."

"Yes, Colonel Makepeace," Frasier said soothingly. "Human bites can be very serious. The chance of infection is very high." She took his arm again and steered him towards the exit. "Now, could you refresh my memory, Colonel? You wouldn't happen to be allergic to any medications, would you? Like, oh, say, Valium?"

Makepeace's reply was lost as the pair exited the embarkation room.

Hammond stared after them for a moment, then looked down at the two children and asked, "Where do you suppose they came from?"

Jackson said, "They probably just got separated from one of those NORAD tours or something."

"Yeah, but they're not supposed to be able to get this far," O'Neill protested. "Security should have caught them long before they found their way here."

"Well, why don't we ask them?" Carter bent down so she was eye to eye with the children. "Now, how did you two get down here? This is supposed to be a secured area."

"We used my Sub-Spatial Demolecularizing Teleportation Device, of course," Dexter informed her. "Isn't that right, DeeDee?"

"Yeah!" DeeDee confirmed, jiggling with excess energy. "We used Dexter's tele-thingy."

"She talks just like you do, Jack," Jackson noted humorously. O'Neill glared at him.

"Of course you did." Carter was still addressing Dexter and DeeDee. "So, where are your parents?"

"They're at home," DeeDee cheerfully informed her.

"You were on the tour by yourselves?" Carter straightened and looked at Hammond. "Is that allowed?"

"Look," Dexter huffed indignantly, "we weren't on any tour. As I tried to explain to that ignorant jarhead, we came here because--"

"General," O'Neill interrupted. "Why don't we just call NORAD and get them to track down the parents? It shouldn't be too tough. I know if they were my kids, I'd be pretty frantic about now."

"That's an excellent idea, Colonel," Hammond nodded approvingly. "I'll have Airman Miller get on it right away. And maybe someone ought to take the kids off to somewhere a little less... sensitive," he added, casting a pointed glance at the Stargate.

"SG-1 can handle that, sir," O'Neill said, smiling down at Dexter and ruffling his hair. Dexter folded his arms across his chest and looked affronted.

"Yippee! I like you guys!" DeeDee jumped up and down, then latched onto Jackson's hand with a vise-like grip.

"Uh, us, Jack?" Jackson squeaked, trying to shake DeeDee off. She clung tighter than any limpet. "Take care of two kids? Are you insane?"

Although she didn't protest, Carter also appeared somewhat taken aback by the idea. As usual, Teal'c just looked impassive.

"Oh, come on, Danny boy," O'Neill said cheerfully. "It'll be fun." He looked down at the two children. "Okay, kids. What say we go and play some games, hmmm?"

"Oh, goody!" DeeDee bounced in excitement, swinging on Jackson's hand. "What kind of games?"

"We'll think of something."

"You'd better," Jackson grumbled to O'Neill.

Dexter protested, "But I wanted to study--"

"Hey, you don't need to worry about studying today," O'Neill said airily. "You're not in school, after all. Too much studying and you'll end up a geek like Daniel here."

"Oh, ha ha, Jack," Jackson sniffed. "Very funny."

"I thought so." O'Neill placed a hand on Dexter's shoulder and, after tossing a cheerful, "Come along, kids," to both his team and the two actual children, shepherded the Boy Genius out of the embarkation room. DeeDee bounded after them, dragging a hapless and highly annoyed archeologist along by the hand.

Carter and Teal'c exchanged a dubious glance and a 'what the hell' shrug, and followed after their teammates. A short ways down the corridor, Teal'c made an abrupt right turn at a convenient intersection.

"Teal'c?" Jackson queried, reining in the little girl that tugged so enthusiastically on his hand. She protested rather vocally, and the rest of the small group stopped and looked back quizzically. Jackson asked, "Where're you going?"

Teal'c paused and looked over his shoulder, saying, "To my quarters."

"Oh, you gotta meditate or something?" O'Neill asked, somewhat disappointed.

"Yes. I must meditate." With that, Teal'c strode--very quickly--down the hall.

"Meditation, huh? A likely story," Jackson muttered, staring after Teal'c somewhat enviously. "I bet he just didn't want to babysit."

"Quit yer griping," O'Neill told him. "I suppose you'd rather be working?"

"As a matter of fact, I would. I have a ton of translation work to get done before SG-8 gets back." Annoyed and barely aware that he was still gripping DeeDee's hand, Jackson stalked down the hall. The rest of the group trailed after him, but, since he was preoccupied with planning retribution on Teal'c for abandoning them, he hardly noticed his entourage.

He was still cooking up creative ways to torture Jaffas when he ran straight into a door. "Ow," quoth he, as he rubbed his nose with his free hand. His other hand was still being clutched by DeeDee. She looked up at him, her blue eyes huge with worry.

"You okay?"

Before he could frame a semi-intelligent reply, O'Neill's cheery voice called out behind him, "Way to go, Danny. Walked right into your own door."

Jackson gawked at the nameplate on the door. Sure enough, he had, completely unconsciously, headed straight to his lab. Terrific. Now he was going to have two kids running amuck among his priceless, irreplaceable artifacts. Given that those same two kids had, in fact, apparently driven a battle-hardened soldier to the verge of a breakdown, Jackson was not optimistic about his own chances with the little monsters.

He shook his head and took himself to task for that unworthy thought. Dexter and DeeDee were just little kids. What could they do? Certainly, whatever had happened to Makepeace had nothing to do with them; more likely, it was a delayed reaction to something that had occurred off-world.

Still, Jackson had no desire to have two kids rampaging in his laboratory.

He handed DeeDee over to Carter, then took O'Neill's arm and led him aside, speaking softly, "Jack, this really isn't a very good idea. Kids don't belong anywhere near a lab, and I'm not exactly the best babysitter in the world. Maybe Hammond should take those two up to NORAD's visitor center or something?"

"Oh, come on, it'll be okay. Kids are fun. You liked Cassandra, didn't you?" O'Neill wheedled.

"Cassandra didn't drive any Marines into psychotic episodes," Jackson pointed out unfairly, hoping that there was a teeny chance that O'Neill might buy the excuse.

No such luck. "Yeah, right. Like these kids did that." O'Neill frowned thoughtfully and eyed the two reluctant babysitters. "Speaking of psychotic Marines, I'd better go see how Makepeace is doing. Will you two be okay while I'm gone?"

"I think we can handle a couple of children," Carter said, with only the tiniest trace of doubt in her voice.

"Okay, then while I'm at it I'll touch base with Miller, too. See if he's made any progress finding these kids' parents. I'll be back in a little while." With that, O'Neill took off down the hall.

Carter and Jackson stared at each other, each with the same thought in mind: "And then there were two."

DeeDee immediately reclaimed Jackson's hand. He stared down at her with heartfelt resignation, and sighed, "Well, let's not just stand out here in the hall," as he pushed open his door and stepped into the lab.

The children dashed in ahead of the adults and immediately started casing the place. Neither seemed particularly pleased with what they found. Jackson's lab was, as usual, cluttered with loose papers, books, and artifacts. Urns, rock carvings, pottery, skulls, and assorted other bric-a-brac littered every available surface.

"Eeeeew! Skulls!" DeeDee exclaimed in happy disgust. Both Carter and Jackson winced at the high-pitched screech.

"Archeology and anthropology? Hah. Soft 'sciences'," Dexter said scornfully as he eyed the shelves of books and artifacts with ill-concealed disgust. "Hardly worthy of being called science at all, when you bother to think about it. Don't tell me you waste your time with this foolishness when there is _real_ science to be done?"

"Excuse me?" Jackson stared at the obnoxious kid.

Dexter continued haughtily, " _Real_ science has rockets, and explosions, and mega-robots--"

Carter laughed, "I see we have a budding engineer here. Why don't I take him to my lab?"

"You have a lab?" Dexter asked, appraising Carter with new eyes. "What kind of lab?"

"I'm an astrophysicist," she told him. "I have all sorts of neat books on physics and robotics and stuff."

"Really? You do seem very intelligent. May I see your lab?" Dexter asked politely, the perfect image of a young mind waiting to be filled with knowledge.

"Of course you can." Carter shepherded him towards the door. On the way out, she paused and looked to Jackson. "Daniel, will you be okay with DeeDee?"

"I think I can handle her," Jackson smiled, relieved to have only one child to look after, and pleased that he'd gotten the better end of the bargain. Girls were always easier to deal with than boys. They tended to be so much calmer, and a lot less destructive in their playtime activities.

Of course he'd be okay. After all, how much trouble could one little girl be?

*****

Fifteen minutes later, Jackson was at the end of his rope.

DeeDee had not proven to be the stereotypical, sugar-and-spice kind of girl that she so strongly resembled. Instead of settling down with a book on ancient Egyptian and Greek jewelry, which Jackson had naïvely hoped would sufficiently occupy her attention enough to allow him to get a little work done, she sprang about his lab with the evasive ability of a gazelle and the speed of a cheetah, all the while exclaiming in an ear-splitting squeal, "Whatcha doing?" and "Whatcha got, Daniel? Can I see?" and "Ooooh, what's this?" and, worst of all, "Oops!"

At some point--he wasn't quite sure when--she had started using his first name. Probably the first time he shouted at her to stop. She had replied carelessly, "You're just as grumpy as Dexter," and, in spite of her apparent clumsiness, had deftly avoided all his attempts to capture her.

Jackson cringed as another crash echoed through his lab. A tall cabinet now rested horizontally on the floor, its contents scattered about in complete disarray. Jackson groaned at this latest bit of devastation. At the rate DeeDee was going, the place would be decimated in no time. How could such a pretty little girl be so clumsy, and so destructive, and so damned hard to catch?

The now dreaded voice called, "Daniel, what's that?" He flinched when he saw what DeeDee was reaching for: an irreplaceable stele, retrieved by SG-7 from some ruins on P3X298. Translating it represented the work of a lifetime. "No!" he yelled, bounding towards DeeDee and her latest object of fascination. "Don't touch that!"

Too late. The small stele hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. "No!" Jackson cried, literally tearing his hair out. Oblivious to his distress, DeeDee moved on to yet another artifact, singing, "Tra la laa, la la la laaaa," at the top of her lungs.

The destruction of his prize stele was the last straw. With an amazing burst of speed that he had never before been capable of in his whole entire life, Jackson managed to grab DeeDee's hand and, with no gentleness whatsoever, he yanked her to the door.

He shoved her out into the hall just as O'Neill rounded the corner. Impossibly, DeeDee perked up even more when she caught sight of the colonel, chirping happily, "Hi, Colonel O'Neill!"

"And a hello to you, too, DeeDee," O'Neill smiled at her and glanced up at her outraged companion. "Hey, Daniel. How's it going?"

"Jack! Thank God you're back," Jackson gasped, clutching at the colonel's arm with desperation.

"What's the matter? What's happened?" O'Neill looked around, but as far as he could tell, everything was perfectly fine. No sirens, no flashing lights, no armed guards rushing through the corridors. From Jackson's agitated demeanor, O'Neill would have assumed a full alert and a Goa'uld invasion at the very least. "Come on, Daniel, get a hold of yourself and tell me what's wrong."

"My lab is ruined!" Jackson howled.

"Oh." O'Neill peered past the open door. "Well, I admit it's kind of a mess, but it always seems that way to me. What specifically is ruined?"

Jackson stuttered incoherently.

"Daniel seems very upset," DeeDee informed him, batting her big, blue eyes in a childishly charming manner.

"Daniel?" O'Neill echoed, amused. "You guys are on a first name basis, now?"

"Stop kidding around, Jack," Jackson growled. "This-- this kid you saddled me with passed the time by destroying my lab. She's a walking demolition unit!"

"Don't exaggerate, Daniel. She's just a little girl." He added softly, just for Jackson's ear, "Besides, I think she's got a crush on you, and--"

"Just a little girl? That 'little girl' damn near decimated my lab!" Jackson ranted. "Makepeace had the right idea about those kids. I wish I had an M16 myself! If I hear 'whatcha doing?' one more time--"

O'Neill couldn't help laughing. All this because of one little girl? "Careful, Daniel, or you'll end up like Makepeace."

That derailed Jackson from his rant. "Oh, right," he said, attempting to force some concern into his voice. It was rough going, considering his current state of mind. "How's he doing, anyway?"

"He's sleeping." O'Neill shrugged. "Frasier's got him doped to the gills in the infirmary."

"Does she know what caused him to go off like that?" The kids, Jackson thought to himself. It had to be the kids.

"Frasier thinks it's stress. SG-3's had some pretty rough missions lately. She's going to call in a shrink for some group therapy stuff."

"Oh. Oh, wow. Therapy? Really?" Jackson was silent for a moment. The kids had really done a number on the hapless Marine. He never had a chance. Jackson thanked God that he hadn't had to deal with both brats at once, and said in a heartfelt tone, "Poor Colonel Makepeace."

"Yeah, no kidding. SG-3 is gonna kill him for getting them stuck in those touchy-feelie psychobull sessions."

That wasn't what Jackson had meant. "It wasn't Makepeace's fault," he pointed out, scowling. "It was those kids, I'm sure of it. Just that DeeDee alone makes me want to go postal! I can't imagine what it would be like to be trapped with both of them--"

"Where is the other one, anyway?" O'Neill interrupted, peering into Jackson's lab again. "I don't see Dexter around."

"Sam took him to her lab-- Ohmygod! Sam!" Jackson gasped, his eyes starting from his head. "Jack, we'd better go rescue her. Who knows what that kid's doing?"

"Relax, will ya? I'm sure she's fine. She's got to be better at babysitting than you are. Probably less high-strung, too."

"High-strung?"

"Well, you gotta admit, most normal people wouldn't freak out while babysitting such a cute little girl." While Jackson fumed at that snide comment, O'Neill smiled down at DeeDee, who batted her eyelashes again and favored him with a vacuous grin. She was a picture-perfect angel. O'Neill took her hand and said to Jackson, "Let's go find Carter, okay?"

Jackson muttered a non-stop stream of invective under his breath as he followed the colonel and DeeDee to Carter's lab.

*****

Carter hummed to herself as she worked on wormhole analysis equations at her computer, thinking about how easy Dexter was to take care of. She certainly seemed to have gotten the better part of the bargain; Daniel was bound to have his hands full with that DeeDee.

She was actually quite pleased with her charge, as he was proving to be remarkably little trouble. Upon arrival at Carter's lab, Dexter had made a beeline for her bookshelves and quickly perused their contents. Somewhat surprisingly, he glommed onto her copy of _Gravitation_ by Misner, Thorne and Wheeler. That enormous tome was more than most physics majors could handle in a year, but Dexter, now ensconced in a spare chair, seemed to be perusing it quite happily. In fact, every so often a muffled giggle escaped him. Weird. Maybe he liked looking at all the equations.

Although, strangely enough, it looked like the kid might actually comprehend what he was reading. And if he did understand, he certainly wasn't impressed.

 _Nah_ , Carter thought, turning back to her computer. _Couldn't be_.

After a fruitless and frustrating twenty minutes, Carter leaned back in her chair and rubbed her eyes. At the rate she was going, she'd never find those solutions. Sometimes, to quote Barbie, math is hard.

Carter stood and stretched. A cup of coffee was what she needed. She drifted over to the coffee maker, but the empty glass pot mocked her. Of course she hadn't made any that day. Naturally.

Maybe Goldberg had some coffee next door. The odds on that were exceptionally good; the man's caffeine addiction rivaled Daniel's.

Dexter had set down the textbook and moved over to the workbench her UAV test platform was sitting on. That particular airplane was specially modified to test out a new radio control system she had decided to implement. As a result, it was somewhat ungainly, with exposed electronics and an odd deformation on the back of its fuselage to support the extra equipment--in short, it didn't look like it could even get off the ground. The boy's attention was divided between the airborne surveillance device and Carter herself.

"Don't touch that," Carter told him. Dexter put both hands behind his back and plastered an overly innocent expression on his face. Carter knew from sad past experience to never trust a child wearing that particular mien, but the promise of coffee beckoned her mercilessly.

Maybe she should take him along with her? Goldberg would be pretty ticked about having a little boy in his lab. Besides, she didn't want to juggle both a hot cup of coffee and an energetic kid.

"Dexter, I'm going next door for a few minutes. I don't want you to touch anything other than the books, all right?" She treated the boy to her sternest, most unforgiving parental look--the one that usually had Cassandra quaking under her bed. "Do you understand me?"

Dexter nodded. "Don't worry, Captain Carter," he told her in that oddly accented voice of his. "I understand perfectly about scientific equipment and how sensitive it is."

The kid was well-spoken, she had to give him that. He was certainly mature beyond his years. Besides, how much trouble could Dexter get into in the tiny amount of time she'd be gone? He'd been a perfect angel so far. Surely she could leave him for two minutes--three max. Her decision made, Carter picked up her mug and headed out the door.

After she left, Dexter edged a little closer to the UAV test platform. He examined it, frowning thoughtfully, then pulled a wrench out of his backpack and went to work. In no time at all, the UAV had been completely redesigned: the clunky winged wonder was now a sleek, vicious looking death machine that, although small, still managed to put the F-22 Raptor to shame. Dexter nodded in satisfaction and went over to take a look at the computer.

A few minutes later, Carter returned to her lab, a steaming cup of coffee in hand and an euphoric grin on her face. The caffeine induced cheer faded when she realized that Dexter was sitting at her workstation, typing furiously. Amidst sudden, blinding panic, she wondered if she had bothered to save her work before she went on the coffee quest.

Why, oh why, hadn't she logged off? Or at least hit the Save button.

She bolted around the desk and got a good look at the screen and the carnage thereof. "Ohmygod! What have you done?" she screeched. Scalding hot coffee slopped over the rim of her mug and splashed on her hand. "Dammit!" She flung the coffee cup across the lab and sucked on her burned fingers.

"Ah, Captain Carter," Dexter greeted, unruffled by the display of near hysterical temper. "You're back too soon. I wanted to surprise you. Oh, well, come take a look at the new equations. Your calculations were completely invalid, so I deleted them and replaced them with the correct ones."

"What?" Carter's poor, stunned brain reeled at the thought of reconstructing three months' work. It couldn't be too bad, right? Maybe it was reparable. Right?

Wrong. She stared at the glowing screen, speechless. Absolutely none of her work was present.

Dexter smugly grinned up at her. "Well?" he asked with supreme confidence. "What do you think? These new formulae should save you years of wasted effort."

What Carter thought wasn't fit to speak aloud, especially to an impressionable young child who couldn't possibly understand the enormity of what he had done. Could he? Her stomach churning with murderous fury, her whole body trembling with adrenaline, she opted to say nothing, instead concentrating on her breathing in her attempt to calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. In. Out.

It wasn't doing any good. She still wanted to murder the self-satisfied little brat.

The self-satisfied brat continued, "As you can see, I have substituted these tensors and fifth order differential equations for the incorrect ones you were working on. And I had to completely re-graph the space-time embedding diagrams--"

"Incorrect?" Carter couldn't believe her ears. "You deleted everything? Everything? WHY?"

"Obviously, as I told you already, because they were incorrect. Please pay better attention. If you had just given me a few more minutes I would have finished with the correct versions, and--."

"What? You can't be more than six years old! What could you possibly know about Einstein-Rosen bridge equations, differential geometry, and space-time manifolds?"

"I," Dexter said huffily, "am Dexter, Boy Genius, and the only reason I attempted to correct your erroneous assumptions is because I like you--"

"Because you like me?" Carter goggled at him. "I've been working on that for months! I can't believe you--" She started pacing in agitation, then caught sight of her modified aircraft and stopped dead. "What the hell is that?" she gasped, staring at the transformed craft. "What have you done to my UAV?"

"Merely some minor modifications to improve its efficiency. That vehicle was woefully under-engineered and under-powered," Dexter told her. "In addition, I have mounted one of my Ionizing Pulse Lasers on the undercarriage--"

"You've ruined it! It'll never fly now!" In her indescribable frustration, Carter was beginning to appreciate just exactly what the term 'seeing red' actually meant. The whole room seemed tinged with that furious color.

"Please, Captain Carter, you should control yourself--"

"First my wormhole equations, now my UAV testbed? I'm going to kill you!"

"Calm yourself, Captain Carter. If you'll just look over my modifications, you will see how much of an improvement it is over your previous design--"

With a howl of incoherent rage, Carter grabbed Dexter by the hand and pulled him towards the door.

"Captain Carter, please pay attention--hey, slow down!"

The timing was absolutely impeccable. They hadn't taken two steps out into the hallway before Carter spied O'Neill, Jackson, and DeeDee heading their way. Time to lay blame right where it really belonged.

"Colonel!" Carter shouted, unmindful of protocol at this stage of the game. She strode purposefully down the hall, dragging a vocal and indignant Dexter behind her, and halted right in front of O'Neill. "This is all your fault! _Sir_. This kid is a menace, and I refuse to have anything more to do with him!"

O'Neill was a little taken aback by her vehemence. "Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit, Carter? He's just a little boy--"

"A little boy?" Carter practically shrieked. "A little boy? That 'little boy' annihilated three months' worth of wormhole calculations and turned my UAV into a flying death machine!"

"Really?" O'Neill was suddenly interested. "Can I see it?"

Carter's eyes bugged out of her head. A strange little whine escaped from her throat.

"Uh, Jack, maybe now's not the best time," Jackson said, laying a hand on O'Neill's arm and eyeing Carter with a wary expression. She looked fit to strangle someone.

O'Neill just shook his head at the pair of them. "Jeeze, you scientist types are so hopeless," he said in exasperation. "They're just little kids, for crying out loud. What on Earth is your problem?"

"Oh, yeah? Well, Jack, babysitting was your idea, not mine!" Jackson reminded him. "You watch the unholy little monsters!"

"Monsters? Oh, come on--"

Carter folded her arms and added snidely, "I agree with Daniel, sir. Besides, a lab is no place for children. Maybe your office would be more suitable."

Jackson snickered, "Yeah, and it wouldn't matter if the kids trashed it, since nothing important goes on in there, anyway."

The recriminations immediately erupted. Three loud and acrimonious voices rose and fell like erratic tides, none saying anything worthwhile, or even particularly coherent for that matter. In fact, coherency wasn't exactly a critical component of the dispute, since no one was bothering to listen to anything that anyone else had to say.

Dexter and DeeDee shrugged at one another and wandered off down the hall. The argument behind them continued unabated.

Suddenly, Jackson broke off and looked around the corridor. "Where are the kids?"

O'Neill and Carter were silenced by that question. The three erstwhile combatants all stared at one another blankly. A jaw or two dropped, but no one managed to say a word.

The dumb silence was shattered by Harriman's voice over the base intercom. "Colonel O'Neill, please report to the control room."

Jackson said, "Uh, oh."

"He sounds kinda stressed," Carter added.

"Bet I know where the kids went."

"Oh, come on," O'Neill said dismissively. "You can't tell me that Harriman and the other duty techs can't handle a couple of little kids."

Carter and Jackson stared at him in complete and utter silence. O'Neill squirmed under the unforgiving scrutiny.

Harriman's voice interrupted the face off, "Colonel O'Neill, to the control room. _Please_." There was a definite edge of hysteria in his tone that time. The announcement was followed by the blaring of the base alarms. The sirens howled for ten seconds, shut off, then started up again.

O'Neill winced. "Maybe I'd better get up there."

"Good thinking, Jack," Jackson smirked.

The trio headed, rather quickly, for the control room. The group paused in the hallway when they heard a familiar, authoritative bellow over the klaxons, "Colonel, what the devil is going on?"

An unhappy looking General Hammond joined the errant members of SG-1, followed closely by Teal'c, who had deigned to come out of hiding for a base-wide emergency. The sirens shut off again. Hammond glared, first at the loudspeakers, then at O'Neill.

"General, sir, well... It's kind of hard to explain..." O'Neill stammered.

"Then allow me, Jack." Jackson took it upon himself to sardonically enlighten the general as to the exact nature of the threat, augmented by some colorful commentary from Carter.

When they had finished, Hammond just stared at them incredulously, and said, "Do you seriously mean to tell me that three relatively competent adults can't manage to control two small children?" He turned his jaundiced gaze to O'Neill. "I might believe it of those two," he said, indicating Carter and Jackson with a vague wave of his hand, "but I certainly expected better from you, Colonel."

Jackson's protest of "General!" was simultaneous with Carter's indignant "Sir!" at the suggestion of incompetence. O'Neill sighed and looked put-upon. Teal'c raised an enigmatic eyebrow and said nothing, although a knowing smile played at his lips for the briefest of moments before it was banished. Hammond frowned at the three miscreants and started walking down the hall again.

O'Neill dogged his steps. "Sir, to be honest, I never saw any of that stuff they described. I was running errands," he added lamely, shrugging at the hostile glares Carter and Jackson shot at him. Hammond's expression was indescribable, but boded no good for anyone's future career path. The colonel went on, "Besides, I never did get a look at the UAV from hell." He sounded faintly disappointed to have missed out on that.

The sirens came on again, howled for three seconds, then shut off.

Hammond groaned in exasperation and pushed open the door to the control room.

As they entered the nerve center of the SGC, they heard Harriman yelling, "Get away from that! Don't touch!"

Dexter's voice followed, "But it would work so much better if you'd do it this way--"

"Stop it!" was Harriman's despairing answer, barely discernible over the renewed blaring of the base klaxons, and above it all were DeeDee's high pitched, ear-splitting, and ecstatic shrieks.

"Oh, my God," Jackson murmured. "It's worse than I thought."

The control room, normally a well ordered place, was a study in pandemonium. DeeDee was prancing from one workstation to another, pulling levers and pressing buttons at random, driving the techs insane. Harriman was arguing with Dexter over control of the Stargate operational systems. And through it all the klaxons continued to wail.

Hammond took in the chaos in stunned silence. Apparently the members of SG-1 weren't the only people who couldn't control kids. It became clear to him that the entire SGC was utterly incompetent at babysitting. A shrill, girlish screech of, "Ooooh, what does _this_ do?" assailed his ears, and then he could only watch, openmouthed, out the observation window as the Stargate's protective iris retracted.

Hammond knew it wasn't possible, but it sounded to him as though the alarms had gotten even louder. "Will someone shut off those damn sirens?" he shouted above the din.

"Of course, General," Dexter said, distracted from his argument with Harriman. He reached into the Porto-Lab in his backpack and pulled out his universal remote. "Permit me to use my Pan-Dimensional Universal Remote Control."

Catching sight of that irresistible toy, DeeDee pounced over and snatched the remote right out of her brother's hands. She ricocheted off a console, which put her on a heading straight for the spiral staircase that led down to the embarkation room. As she passed by the staircase, she snagged its guard rail with her free hand to swung herself around, then sailed down the stairwell.

Dexter was hot on her heels. "DeeDee, give that back! DeeDee!" he shouted as he followed her down the stairs.

Hammond and SG-1 raced after the two children, arriving in the embarkation room just in time to see DeeDee push a few random buttons on Dexter's remote control. The Stargate activated with a brilliant burst of energy.

Dexter watched the frothy spume of distorted space-time with enormous eyes, dazzled by the flagrant display of raw power. "Quantum foam," he breathed, awestruck. "The correct wormhole must be selected at the Planck level, then expanded to macroscopic size and stabilized. A small part of the localized region of quantum foam is obviously caught briefly during this process."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," was DeeDee's reply.

The event horizon settled into the familiar pool of silvery blue light.

"Ooooh, pretty!" DeeDee exclaimed. Without a second thought, or even a first for that matter, she bounded through the Stargate and disappeared.

"DeeDee! Come back here!" Dexter ran after her, also vanishing through the event horizon.

Both children were gone.

"Oh, my," Hammond murmured, staring at the Stargate.

"Guess it really was a universal remote," Jackson commented. Everyone in the embarkation room stared at him sourly.

The alarms finally shut off. Harriman announced over the loudspeakers, "General, I'm feeding power to the Stargate to keep the wormhole stable. We'll be able to maintain the connection for thirty-eight minutes."

"Good work, Sergeant," Hammond called up to the control room, then grumbled to himself, "At least someone's got some common sense around here." He rounded on the primary culprits in the entire, stupid fiasco and barked, "SG-1, I want you to get kitted up and go through the Stargate to retrieve the children, immediately."

"Do we really have to?" Jackson whined. He subsided at the scathing glare Hammond bestowed upon him.

"Yes, sir. We'll bring them back," O'Neill told Hammond, then turned to his team and said, "Let's get a move on, kids."

*****

When they emerged on the other side of the wormhole, SG-1 found themselves in a large, dimly lit room. The golden walls were covered with hieroglyphics, and there was no visible exit. Dexter and DeeDee were nowhere to be found.

"Oh, I've got a bad feeling about this," O'Neill announced, gazing around the room with a considerable amount of justified paranoia. "Is it just me, or does this place look kinda familiar?"

"Indeed, O'Neill," said Teal'c, "this chamber is of Goa'uld construction."

"See, I really didn't want to hear that."

Jackson sighed, "Well, at least this time there's some light."

"Do you suppose we're on another spaceship?" Carter asked.

"God, I hope not."

O'Neill observed, "There's only one way to find out. Teal'c, do you suppose you could find the exit? It can't be too hard, since the kids seem to have found their way out."

"You hope," Jackson commented pessimistically. "The Goa'uld might have gotten to them first, you know."

"Look on the bright side, why don't you?"

Carter added, "Personally, I feel sorrier for the Goa'uld."

O'Neill was shocked by that attitude. "Carter, come on. They're just little kids," he reproved her.

She grumbled back, "You babysit them for a while, and then you can tell us how cute they are."

Shaking his head in disgust at the bickering, Teal'c walked over to one wall and scrutinized the pseudo-Egyptian designs. He reached out and twisted one of the raised symbols, and a door slid open.

O'Neill moved to one side and peeked out into the corridor, then jerked his head back abruptly.

"What is it?" Jackson whispered. O'Neill just put a finger to his lips. Everyone gathered to either side of the door, hoping for concealment, held their breaths and watched.

A troop of Jaffa marched by. In their center was a large, powerfully built man, dressed in the elaborate armor of a Goa'uld warlord. When the group had passed, and their footsteps receded far into the distance, Jackson let out a shaky breath and said, "Oh, God."

"Correct. It was Heru'ur," Teal'c stated flatly.

"It sure was," O'Neill agreed. "What the hell have the kids gotten themselves into?"

Everyone shut up as more footsteps echoed through the hallway. Another troop of Jaffa appeared, escorting a woman that O'Neill didn't recognize. He whispered softly, "What the hell is this? A Goa'uld convention?"

"Maybe we'd better find out, sir?" Carter suggested.

"Right." O'Neill poked his head out the doorway again, just in time to see the troop turn a corner. He flipped the safety off his MP-5 and gestured to his team. "Come on, kids, let's go play follow the leader."

Trying to keep a safe distance, hoping they would remain unnoticed, the team followed the Goa'uld and her Jaffa. A short while later, the woman led her troop into a large room that was literally teeming with people--Goa'uld and Jaffa both. The Goa'uld were milling about and talking a mile a minute, obviously honked off about something, and the Jaffa, all looking both distracted and distressed, were watching their masters with trepidation.

SG-1 was able to take advantage of the ire-induced confusion to slip into the room unnoticed. They ducked into a side alcove that afforded both decent concealment and a minimally obscured view of the proceedings. The room was filled with row upon row of chairs; a long table was set up at its front. The whole arrangement was amusingly reminiscent a town hall meeting room.

After a few minutes, ten of the Goa'uld moved to the table and sat down. They included several that all members of SG-1 immediately recognized, none too happily: Heru-ur, Hathor, and Apophis. An ornately clothed functionary stood at the center of the room and pounded the base of a long, crystalline staff against the marble floor, shouting something in an arcane language. The rest of the Goa'uld immediately settled down into the seats, their attendants lined up along the walls.

A large, imposing man dressed in heavy, well-used armor moved to stand before the table. The Goa'uld and Jaffa all watched him with expectation.

"Who's that? He looks pretty important," Daniel commented, peeking around the alcove's doorway to watch the meeting.

"That is Cronus," Teal'c said, watching the assembly, ashen faced. "One of the most powerful of the Goa'uld System Lords."

O'Neill frowned at the Jaffa's expression. "Teal'c, what's the deal? What is this thing, that it's got you so shook up?"

"This is the Supreme Conclave of System Lords." Teal'c spoke with awed reverence.

"Oh, yeah? I guess that's nice. So what is it, specifically?"

"A gathering of all the System Lords on the Goa'uld Councilworld. It is a most rare event. It has occurred only twice since Ra became Supreme System Lord, over ten thousand of your years ago, and has never convened within my lifetime, nor within the memory of any living Jaffa."

"Yeah, I guess it would be pretty tough to get these guys all in the same room, and not have them start shooting at each other."

"A council of Goa'ulds? That's fascinating," Jackson said, craning his neck to get a better look. "What about--"

"Shhhh," said Carter, abruptly cutting him off. "The meeting's started."

Indeed it had. Cronus was obviously in his element, pontificating to the assembled Goa'uld. It was clear that he enjoyed the posturing. In turn, his peers all gave him their full, complete, and undivided attention. Given the topic of the day, they could hardly be blamed for the rapt intensity which they lavished upon him. SG-1 was also focused on Cronus, listening to the speech with macabre fascination.

Cronus went on and on about the evils of the Tau'ri people and the dangers they posed to galactic order. Privately, O'Neill found the vast majority of the havoc Cronus credited the SG teams, and SG-1 in particular, with to be frankly amazing. Never in a million years would he have thought of some of that stuff, and he considered himself to be pretty darned imaginative when it came to creating mayhem. He found himself developing a grudging and entirely unwanted admiration for the System Lord.

Finally, after about ten minutes of highly inventive ranting, Cronus concluded with, "We must reach a consensus on what to do about the Tau'ri threat."

The members of SG-1 were silent, evaluating the situation and coming to some very unpleasant conclusions. Dexter and DeeDee had suddenly dropped to the bottom of their list of things to do.

After a suitably dramatic pause, Cronus spoke again, "They have caused grievous injury to many of us. I now call upon those most injured by the Tau'ri marauders to speak." He gestured to the Goa'uld seated at the table behind him. Heru-ur stood.

"Marauders? Hey, you guys started it," O'Neill muttered, imitating a five-year-old's whine with remarkable success. Teal'c raised a brow and stared at him, bemused.

"They killed Ra, my sire," Heru-ur stated passionately. "For that alone, they must be punished."

"Oh right, like you really care," O'Neill remarked to no one in particular, _sotto voce_. "Talk about your crocodile tears."

"The Tau'ri destroyed two of my warships, and have killed a large number of my troops," Apophis complained.

"Yeah, and we're damn proud of it," O'Neill couldn't resist adding softly.

"They incited rebellion on Pran'eyee!" shouted a System Lord that O'Neill didn't recognize.

Daniel frowned quizzically. "That wasn't us, was it?"

"It was not," Teal'c said. "I believe that was Major Ferretti and SG-2."

"Ah."

Another System Lord stood and snarled, "They destroyed my temple on Thaeran!"

"I don't remember doing that," Carter commented.

"That would have been SG-3," O'Neill told her. "They kind of like to blow things up."

The litany went on and on, the System Lords citing one offense after another. O'Neill snorted, "Guess we've been baaad little boys and girls."

"You know," Daniel noted clinically, "if I didn't know better, I'd be tempted to say that they've got a legitimate complaint."

"Yeah, right."

"Shhh," Carter shushed them both. "Something's happening." O'Neill and Jackson immediately shut up, leaning forward to watch the Goa'uld assembly.

A woman with long, dark hair was standing before the high table, speaking self-importantly, "--to deal with the Tau'ri threat, I propose that we utilize my greatest weapon."

"Who's that?" Jackson asked.

"That is Nirrti," Teal'c replied.

"Wasn't she the one who set that plague on Cassandra's world?"

"Well, this sucks," O'Neill said, in a tone that signaled the end of the conversation. The team went back to watching the Goa'uld.

Nirrti gestured imperiously, and a team of four Jaffa wheeled a large object into the room. It was an enormous metal sphere, nearly two meters in diameter and covered almost completely with long spikes. Multicolored lights blinked at various places on its surface. A square panel, filled to capacity with buttons, dials, and readouts, was set into one side. A large red button held a place of honor directly in the center of the control panel.

Jackson goggled at the apparatus. "What the hell is that?"

"It looks like a giant mine that some damn fool decorated for Christmas," O'Neill commented.

"Shhh," Carter hissed at them yet again.

"Carter, would you stop that?" O'Neill said, irritated at the repeated shushing. Carter glared at him and put a finger over her lips, so he grudgingly shut up.

The Goa'uld assembly stirred restlessly, murmuring to one another and gawking at the strange device. Nirrti spoke again, "Behold the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb!" She paused for dramatic effect, clearly enjoying the amazement and confusion on the faces of many of her peers.

"And what exactly is that?" Heru-ur sneered, somewhat less impressed than the others.

Nirrti was unruffled by his scorn. "This is the greatest weapon in the Asgard's arsenal. I was very fortunate to salvage it from the remains of one of their warships that had crashed on Bll'nye. Unfortunately, I was unable to obtain any other useful technology from the craft before it self-destructed."

The System Lords stirred again, none of them foolish enough to believe that last statement of Nirrti's.

Smiling, Nirrti went on, "This device is capable of generating a localized gravity field of such strength that it can implode an entire planet into a microscopic black hole. We need only send a stealth ship to the Tau'ri homeworld, drop the bomb into their deepest ocean, and detonate it by remote. The planet will collapse down into a singularity in less than a nanosecond. The resulting miniature black hole will then evaporate away via _gaki_ radiation until it reaches a critical mass. It will then emit a last, spectacular burst of _gaki_ radiation, and the Tau'ri problem will be no more."

The System Lords were all nodding their approval. "When can it be done?" one asked.

"Immediately," was Nirrti's reply. "The sooner, the better."

"Oh, my God, she's talking about Hawking radiation!" Carter gasped. She turned to O'Neill with desperation in her eyes. "Sir, we've got to stop them!"

"Can that thing really work?" O'Neill asked skeptically.

Carter's expression was a mask of pure horror. "If it's really an Asgard device, then yes, sir, it'll work."

"Shit." O'Neill paused in thought, then sighed and said, "Okay, we'll have to take it out somehow. Daniel and Teal'c, you two will distract the System Lords and their Jaffa."

"How exactly are we supposed to do that, Jack?" Jackson asked.

"Just shoot at them and toss some grenades around. That oughtta get their attention."

"Yeah, it'll certainly do that, for the five seconds or so it'll take them to kill us."

"I don't think any of us are gonna get out of this one alive, Danny. We can't get that lucky twice, you know." O'Neill shrugged apologetically and continued, "Carter and I'll try to get over to that bomb and plant C4 all over it--"

"O'Neill!" Teal'c interrupted. "The children!"

"What about them--" O'Neill's eyes widened as he took in the scene. "Oh, shit."

With his nose in the air and a typically superior expression on his face, Dexter sauntered into the center of the council room, heading straight for the bomb. DeeDee bounced happily alongside him. Dexter strolled past a flabbergasted Nirrti and examined the bomb critically.

"Ah, I see you have a Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb," he said, turning to face the assembled System Lords. The Goa'uld and Jaffa all just stared at him.

Nirrti blinked a few times, stunned by his audacity. "Who are you, child?"

Dexter gave her a contemptuous little bow. "I am Dexter, Boy Genius, and this is my sister, DeeDee."

"Hi!" DeeDee chirruped happily.

Dexter threw her an exasperated glance, then shifted his attention back to the Goa'uld council. "I am most impressed with your bomb, but I deduce that you must have stolen it--you certainly could not have built it yourselves. It is obvious that you do not even have the brains that God gave... Well, that God gave DeeDee," Dexter concluded, gesturing at his vacuous sister. "If you did, you would have realized that your plan is inherently flawed. Even a simple-minded creature such as yourself should understand that a black hole with the mass of the Earth could not possibly evaporate before the end of the universe."

"Excuse me?" Nirrti drew herself up in her offense, and gazed down her nose at him as though he were nothing more than a bug to squish.

Dexter didn't even deign to notice her annoyance. "In fact, your entire scheme is nothing more than a monumental waste of time. However, this is to be expected from such mental menials as yourselves. I assume by your names that you have for some inane reason decided to pass yourselves off as Earth's ancient deities, which clearly demonstrates your inferior cognitive abilities."

"Is that so?"

"Indeed, it is. Your fundamental lack of intellectual prowess shall prove quite easy to defeat. Once I return home, I will build a Quantum Gravity Field Inhibitor, which will completely nullify the effects of your bomb. It will be my greatest creation!" In his exultation, Dexter threw two triumphant fists in the air. He didn't notice the thundercloud forming on Nirrti's face, nor the Jaffa encircling him.

DeeDee noticed. "Uh, Dexter," she said, looking worried and tapping him on his shoulder.

"What is it, DeeDee?" Dexter snapped, annoyed at the interruption.

DeeDee gestured all around them. Dexter's superior expression changed to irritation as he realized they were completely surrounded by armed warriors. "I see I shall have to do something about this predicament," he said calmly, reaching into his pack.

O'Neill readied his MP-5 and glanced at his team. "Looks like we've got our distraction. Let's go!" He leapt from the alcove and dashed into the council room, spraying bullets from the submachine gun. Teal'c followed close behind, fiery blasts erupting from his staff weapon. Brandishing their own weapons, Jackson and Carter ran out into the room as well.

Chaos reigned. The Jaffa scattered; the Goa'uld ducked down behind the furniture.

"More Tau'ri!" Nirrti shrieked from her position behind the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb. "Kill them!" she shouted to her Jaffa, her eyes glowing. The guards fired back at SG-1, who by now had created quite a panic.

However, two individuals were not panicked in the least. "It figures the stupid soldiers would handle the situation with gunfire." Dexter rolled his eyes in disgust. "What a waste of time and energy. They should have let me deal with the problem."

"Whee! This is fun! Just like a Rambo movie!" DeeDee clapped her hands maniacally. "Oooh, what's this?" she called gleefully as she snatched a zat gun from a nearby Jaffa, who gaped at her, and fired at him. The Jaffa fell to the ground, twitching with the energy that crackled over his body. DeeDee watched with big, round eyes. "Oooooh, cooooool."

Completely unconcerned with the gunfire and staff blasts screaming over his head, Dexter pointed at the door. "There is nothing we can do here. Let us go, DeeDee." He started to shuffle towards the exit. As she was having entirely too much fun with the zat gun, DeeDee chose to ignore him; instead she pranced about the room, heedless of the weapons' fire all around her.

Seeing this, O'Neill burst out into the open, attempting to provide cover for the children. "Get out, kids!" he yelled as he fired another burst from his MP-5, but the bullets just bounced off the personal force shield of the Goa'uld he aimed at. "Hurry!"

"O'Neill!" Apophis shouted, suddenly rising from behind a table. He raised his left hand, aiming his ribbon device directly at the colonel.

DeeDee was bounding around with wicked, vindictive glee, randomly picking off Jaffa and Goa'uld alike with the zat gun. She ricocheted off a Jaffa who was aiming his staff at Jackson. As the Jaffa fell over, the staff weapon went off, the charge blasting Apophis smack in the center of his chest. The Goa'uld gaped down at the smoking hole in utter disbelief for an instant before he collapsed. DeeDee paused briefly. "Ooopsie! Did I do that?" she smirked.

"My lord!" one of Apophis's Serpent Guards cried. He gathered up Apophis in his arms and rushed from the room.

"Jack! There're too many of them!" Jackson called as he fired his pistol.

O'Neill shouted back, "Everybody out!" He ran forward and snatched up Dexter, tucking the boy under one arm like a football and ignoring his indignant howls. "Let's go! Move it!" Carter flitted through the door, followed closely by Teal'c.

Jackson ran over to DeeDee. "Come on, let's get out of here!"

"Huh?" As DeeDee turned towards him, she inadvertently pointed the zat gun directly at his middle.

"Shit! Give me that!" Jackson snatched the gun from her, and stunned a Jaffa that was coming up behind her.

"Move it, Daniel!" O'Neill yelled, from just inside the doorway. He blasted a Horus Guard with his MP-5, trying to clear a path out for Jackson and DeeDee. Just then a mob of Jaffa rushed the doorway.

"Jack! Run!" Jackson screamed. "Get out of here!" He grabbed DeeDee and tried to shelter her from the havoc surrounding them.

"Dammit! Let's go, people!" Faced with the overwhelming odds, O'Neill had no choice but to give the distasteful order to retreat.

The fugitive group bolted down the corridors, dodging the staff blasts shot by the hordes of Jaffa that followed them. O'Neill gripped Dexter tighter and shouted at Carter, "Grenades!"

She nodded and, without breaking her stride, pulled two of the small explosive devices from a pocket. She yanked out the pins and tossed the grenades behind her. The team ducked into a corridor just as the twin explosions rocked the hallways.

"That oughtta slow 'em down," O'Neill said, watching the fiery destruction with satisfaction. "Teal'c, any idea where we can hide out for a while?"

"The floor plan appears to follow a standard Goa'uld design," Teal'c told him. "There should be a storage room around the next corner."

Teal'c's supposition proved to be correct. He closed the door after his teammates were all safely inside, then activated the lights. The room was full of cartons. He and Carter investigated them, hoping for weapons, but all they found were clothing, jewelry, and assorted knick-knacks.

As his teammates poked around in the boxes, O'Neill set Dexter down, then sighed with relief as he flexed his arms to work out a few small cramps. "Are you okay, son?" he asked, concerned that recent events were more than the boy could reasonably be expected to handle.

Instead of displaying any gratitude for his rescue, Dexter went on the attack. "Whose stupid idea was it to start shooting? Yours, I suppose? I'll have you know that I was perfectly capable of handling the situation."

O'Neill gaped at the kid. "Come again?"

"Who taught you about tactics and strategy, anyway? DeeDee could do better. At least she never runs away when things get difficult."

O'Neill did a rather sour double-take at Dexter but refrained from getting into a childish argument with him. He turned to Carter, who treated him to an annoying look that loudly proclaimed 'I told you so,' and sighed, grudgingly admitting to himself that perhaps she'd had good reason for that tantrum she had thrown at her lab.

Teal'c was scowling at the child, the silent disapproval obvious to any who knew him at all. The child in question was oblivious to all the nonverbal commentary around him.

O'Neill shook his head and spoke to his teammates, "All right, first order of business is rescuing Daniel and DeeDee--"

"Do not be foolish," Dexter interrupted caustically. "It is obvious that you cannot be trusted to formulate an intelligent plan to rescue my sister; therefore, I must do it myself."

O'Neill stared at him, flabbergasted at the arrogant audacity he displayed.

"Now, if we are to locate DeeDee in any reasonable amount of time..." Dexter muttered as he started to rummage in his backpack. He pulled out a hand-held monitor. "Ah, here we are..."

"What's that?" Carter asked, fascinated in spite of her bad opinion of the Boy Genius. Even Teal'c was peering at the strange piece of equipment.

"This is my DeeDee Proximity Detector, of course."

"Of course," O'Neill grumbled irritably.

Dexter ignored him and continued, "I have found that I need to be able to locate her on a regular basis. This device comes in handy quite often."

"Umph."

With a flick of his hand, Dexter activated the detector and twiddled a few knobs. In response, the glowing screen displayed a grid pattern and a bright red, blinking dot. "There she is."

"You're kidding," Carter protested, eyeing the contraption skeptically. "That's just a CRT, a few LEDs, and a battery all mounted in a metal box."

"Harrumph. That shows what you know," Dexter dismissed her criticism. "And to think I once credited you with some intelligence." Quick as a flash, he spun on his black-booted heels and was out the door, moving down the hallway, intent upon his detector.

"Dammit! That brat's gonna get himself killed. Come on, people, let's grab him and go Daniel hunting," O'Neill snarled as he followed Dexter into the hall, Carter and Teal'c close behind him.

*****

Three enormous Horus Guards herded Jackson and DeeDee down a long corridor and into a large, elaborately furnished chamber. A woman stood at the far side of the room, standing before an aerated pool of churning water, her back to the new arrivals. Straight red hair brushed her shoulders, and her clingy red dress emphasized her shapely curves. She was attended by two bare-chested Jaffa warriors.

"Uh, oh," Jackson muttered under his breath.

The woman turned at the sound of his voice and smiled brilliantly.

"Hello, Hathor," Jackson sighed with profound resignation.

"Oooh," said DeeDee. "She's pretty."

"Why, thank you, child," Hathor said, smiling with false benevolence at her two prisoners. She gazed menacingly into Jackson's eyes. "My former beloved. We are so pleased to see you again."

"The feeling's not mutual," Jackson spat, irked by that royal 'we' that she always affected.

"It will be, but not just yet." Hathor glanced between Jackson and DeeDee. "First, you will tell us how you knew of our Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb."

Jackson clamped his lips shut and shook his head.

DeeDee said, "The quanti-thingy? That big spikey ball, right?"

"Yes," Hathor nodded, pleased. "How did you know about it?"

"Dexter told me."

"He was the boy with you?"

"Wait a minute." DeeDee regarded Hathor with suspicion. "You're one of those bad aliens that wants to destroy the Earth, aren't you?" She folded her arms across her chest, pointed her nose in the air, and added mulishly, "I'm not gonna tell you anything, you bad, bad alien, you."

Hathor favored her with an enigmatic look. "Fool. We will have that information. Bring the girl forth," she commanded.

"Wait a minute," Jackson protested. "She's just a little girl--" He broke off abruptly, silenced when a guard shoved a zat gun under his chin.

A Jaffa pushed DeeDee forward, until she stood about two feet away from Hathor. DeeDee stared up at the Goa'uld queen, wide-eyed and slack jawed.

Hathor appraised DeeDee speculatively. "You appear to be a child, but we know that you must be much more. You and that boy entered our conclave so fearlessly, and you both went straight to our bomb. Your dialog at that time indicates that you know exactly what it is, and that you have the means of counteracting it. You heard our plans for the Tau'ri homeworld. What else do you know?"

DeeDee looked blank, as was usual for her. "Huh?"

"You will not lie to us," Hathor smiled. She turned towards one of her half naked attendants. Her back obscured her activity, although Jackson could detect some wet, squelching sounds. The Jaffa's eyes closed, and the strange noises ceased. When Hathor again faced her prisoners, she held a squirming Goa'uld symbiote in her elegant hands.

"Eeeeew, it's a snake!" DeeDee exclaimed, her noise wrinkling up in disgust. "I hate snakes!"

"Well, that's just too bad, isn't it, child?" Hathor replied, stroking the symbiote. Its pronged jaws flexed open and closed in ecstasy. After a moment, just long enough so that her prisoners became aware of what was to happen, Hathor thrust the Goa'uld into DeeDee's face, saying to it, "Here, my darling child. Your new host."

The symbiote took one look at DeeDee, then shrieked in terror. It zipped back up Hathor's arm and cowered behind her neck, whimpering piteously. Hathor reached back to try to remove it, but in spite of its lack of appendages, the Goa'uld managed to secure itself in her hair and refused to let go. The harder Hathor tugged on it, the louder it cried.

"What's the matter, baby?" Hathor cooed, trying to lure the Goa'uld symbiote from her hair. The symbiote squealed shrilly in response. Hathor frowned at the reply. "What do you mean, we shouldn't be so cruel? What does it matter? They're only humans."

The symbiote squealed again and began to hyperventilate.

"Cruel to you?" Hathor echoed, incredulous. "We tried to give you a nice, new host. How could that possibly have been cruel to you?"

The symbiote started keening, an ear-splitting, yet resoundingly pathetic, noise.

Hathor murmured and baby-talked to the unhappy Goa'uld, but her efforts to calm it down were in vain. All three Jaffa frowned and stared at the goddess and her youngling with puzzlement. None of them had ever seen such behavior from the gods before, and they all found it very unsettling. As DeeDee's guard leaned over to watch Hathor and the symbiote, DeeDee caught sight of the activation controls on his staff weapon.

"Oooh, what does this do?" DeeDee asked as she pressed the buttons.

A deafening blast of energy shot from the staff to the ceiling.

By nigh miraculous fortune, the staff blast struck and demolished one of the overhead support beams. The decorative ceiling shattered. Chunks of metal and masonry rained down upon the room's occupants. Hathor ran for cover, shouting vile epithets in the Goa'uld tongue as she disappeared into a side alcove. The Jaffa were torn between the need to follow and protect their goddess, the necessity of securing the two prisoners, and a strong desire to save their own butts from getting plastered by the falling debris.

"Come on, DeeDee!" Taking advantage of the sudden confusion, Jackson grabbed DeeDee's hand. He high-tailed it out of Hathor's lair and tore down the hallway, dragging the clueless little girl along with him.

After about ten minutes of running through the corridors and taking a number of turns, Jackson realized two things: One, there were no Jaffa following them. That was good. Two, they were lost in a Goa'uld stronghold. That wasn't so good, but it had to be better than being Hathor's prisoners. He hoped.

He decided they needed to take a breather and get their bearings. A side chamber beckoned. He tugged DeeDee into the room and, after a few moment's searching, found the door controls. It was with a sigh of heartfelt relief that he watched the ornate door slide closed.

"Looks like we lost them," he said to DeeDee as he turned around to inspect their refuge.

It was a medium sized room, garishly over-decorated with gold and faux Egyptian hieroglyphics, as was the usual custom of the Goa'uld System Lords, and was empty except for one unmistakable item.

A Goa'uld sarcophagus.

"Ooooh, pretty," DeeDee cooed as she skipped over to the sarcophagus. She displayed an utter lack of good taste, being so entranced with the gaudy item that she practically drooled on it.

Jackson likewise moved over to it to examine its intricate carvings and ornamentation, seeking a clue as to the identity of its owner. He was disheartened to observe a familiar serpent seal displayed prominently upon it.

"Ohmygod, this sarcophagus belongs to Apophis," Jackson groaned, feeling his stomach sink clear to the floor. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, indeed.

Unlike her adult companion, DeeDee felt no particular trepidation towards the sarcophagus's owner. With complete disregard for the dire straits she and Jackson found themselves in, she called merrily, "Wanna see my dance? It's called 'The Fanciful Unicorn'!" She immediately hopped up onto the golden lid and performed a sequence of movements that seemed to be composed of a bizarre combination of ballet, break dancing, and general hyperactivity. The only thing about it that might possibly resemble a unicorn was the way she held her forefinger at her forehead in a crude imitation of the mythical beast's horn.

*****

DeeDee was still dancing on top of the sarcophagus when O'Neill's group located them a few minutes later.

"Jack!" Jackson cried in relief. "You're here! You found us."

"Yeah, I'm pretty amazed about that myself," O'Neill returned laconically. His gaze was immediately caught by DeeDee's performance. "What on Earth is she doing?" he asked, incredulously watching as she pirouetted without any grace whatsoever. He wondered how she managed to stay upright during that maneuver. By all rights she should have fallen flat on her face.

"Isn't it obvious?" Jackson said with a weary shrug. "She's dancing on Apophis's sarcophagus."

The adults were struck speechless. Carter blinked at him. Teal'c raised a single, speaking eyebrow. Even O'Neill was too startled to open his mouth, something of a rarity.

"DeeDee! Get down from there immediately," Dexter demanded, hands on his hips.

"Dexter!" she squealed, hopping off her golden stage and running to greet her brother. She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Ooh, I've really missed you!" For his own part, Dexter actually looked pleased to see DeeDee for a moment before attempting to pull away. DeeDee just hugged him tighter. "I'm so glad you found us!"

"Of course, we found you. We merely used my DeeDee Proximity Detector, you know." Dexter added in a quiet aside, "These foolish soldiers think they found you using their inferior military training, but we know better."

"Oh, Dexter. You and your dumb science thingies," DeeDee chided, rolling her eyes.

O'Neill took a step forward. "Okay, kids," he said, his statement taking in both the children as well as his team, "we'd better get a move on, before someone thinks to check in here--"

He was rudely interrupted by a heavy, grinding noise. Everyone watched nervously as the upper panels of the sarcophagus slid open. O'Neill, Carter, and Teal'c all backed up a few steps and readied their weapons in anticipation of Apophis's emergence.

"What is this? How fascinating," Dexter said as he moved in closer to the sarcophagus. DeeDee followed closely behind him, grinning vacuously.

"Hey!" O'Neill made a quick grab for the kids but missed. "Dammit." He settled for aiming his MP-5 at the opening sarcophagus, hoping he could get off a few rounds before Apophis managed to zap them all with his ribbon device.

For several breathless moments nothing happened. Then, like a vampire arising from his coffin for a midnight prowl, Apophis gracefully sat up and took several deep, strengthening breaths. Without making any hostile move, he silently surveyed the crowd in his chamber. His gaze settled on Dexter and DeeDee, standing fearlessly within striking range. His eyes widened with horror and the color drained from his face.

Uncomfortably observing Apophis's attention focused on the children, O'Neill took a step forward and pointed his submachine gun directly at the Goa'uld's face. "Don't even think about it, pal," he threatened, although he had to admit that Apophis appeared far too rattled to do much of anything.

Apophis looked up and met the eyes of his greatest adversary. A sneaky, malicious, and downright vindictive smile twitched across his features. O'Neill swallowed, and his finger tightened on the trigger. Apophis opened his mouth to speak, then apparently thought the better of whatever he had planned to say and closed it again. His eyes flicked from O'Neill to the children, then back to O'Neill. With an expression of pure, unadulterated evil, he crossed his arms over his chest and lay back down. The sarcophagus closed up after him.

"Well, that was interesting," Jackson murmured in the sudden silence. "I don't think I've ever seen Apophis so... so..." He ground to a halt, unsure how to classify the strange behavior he had just observed.

"Yeah," O'Neill agreed, still staring at the now quiescent sarcophagus.

"You spoke of leaving, O'Neill?" Teal'c gently prodded.

"Oh, right. Let's see what we can do about that bomb."

"Why bother?" Dexter said dismissively, his nose high in the air. "I've already told you, as well as those extraordinarily stooopid aliens, that I will deal with this minor inconvenience when we return to Earth. What is the point of prolonging our stay here on this planet of mental incompetents?"

"But you haven't built your weird science thingy yet, Dexter," DeeDee commented obnoxiously.

"It's a Quantum Gravity Field Inhibitor, not a 'weird science thingy'," Dexter huffed, then stared pointedly at SG-1 and added, "And I will have it completed before dinnertime, assuming our present caretakers ever permit us to leave this miserable planet."

"I'm getting real tired of you two kids," O'Neill growled in response. He grabbed Dexter by the collar, and DeeDee by the hand, and dragged them both through the door, followed closely by his smirking team.

*****

Miraculously, the team made it back to the council chambers undetected, a feat which O'Neill attributed to stealth and training, and Dexter insisted was due to his Detectability Minimizer, a bizarre construction of cubes, spheres, and loose wires.

Equally miraculously, the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb was still residing within the council chamber, although it was heavily guarded by a troop of Jaffa. No System Lords were present, another indication that _Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi_ was once again smiling upon SG-1's endeavors.

"Okay, campers, we're gonna try this again," O'Neill addressed his team. "Pretty much the same plan as before. Daniel and Teal'c will distract the Jaffa. Carter and I will go rig that oversized mine there with C4. Then we'll blow the sucker and if we're really lucky, we'll be able to make a run for the Stargate." He paused, then fixed Dexter and DeeDee with a stern, Father-Knows-Best kind of gaze. "And you two stay right here and keep out of trouble."

"You call that a plan?" Dexter sniffed. "My lab monkey could do better. I suppose I shouldn't expect too much of you, though. You've demonstrated your lack of strategic and tactical abilities more than adequately in the time I have known you."

"Look, kid, I've had it with you--"

DeeDee frowned and tuned out the bickering, instead focusing on the spiked sphere that dominated the room. One of the Jaffa guards shifted slightly, revealing the control panel set into the sphere's curved side. Her eyes grew very wide at the irresistible sight of the red button set at the exact center of that control panel, and her lips pursed, forming a silent, "Ooooooh." Her entire demeanor changed to one of wondrous awe. Then, without any warning whatsoever, she bounded into the room, making a beeline straight for the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb.

"Ohmygod!" Jackson made a quick snatch for her, but missed.

"DeeDee!" Dexter hissed. "Come back here, you stupid girl!"

A Jaffa pointed at DeeDee and exclaimed, "It's one of those Tau'ri children! Get her!"

"Ooops?" DeeDee stopped dead a few yards from the bomb, staring at the Jaffa warriors that barred her way with activated staff weapons.

"Back off the kid!" O'Neill bolted into the room and brought his MP-5 submachine gun to bear at the Jaffa. He heard Teal'c's staff weapon charge to one side of him, Carter's own MP-5 cocked a little beyond Teal'c. He turned his head slightly, and saw that even Jackson had his 9mm Beretta aimed at the enemy soldiers.

Standoff. Neither side was willing to start firing: SG-1 for fear of injuring DeeDee, and the Jaffa in terror of Nirrti should her prize bomb be damaged.

The tense stalemate lasted for a full three seconds, until Dexter pushed between Carter and Jackson, snapping, "What do you idiots all think you're doing?"

The sudden, unexpected and extremely obnoxious voice jolted the combatants into frenzied activity. Staff blasts erupted into the room, answered by the staccato bursts of O'Neill's submachine gun as the members of SG-1 all dove for cover. Carter and Jackson headed behind a computer console. Teal'c overturned a table between himself and the weapons' fire. O'Neill had the presence of mind to grab the nearest kid available--Dexter--and drag him to relative safety beside Teal'c.

Humming tunelessly and ignoring the mayhem, DeeDee skipped the rest of the way to the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb and extended a finger towards its control panel.

"I'll get the girl!" Carter yelled as she broke cover and sprinted across the room, heading for DeeDee. Several staff blasts seared the air next to her, and she dropped to the ground, protecting her head with her free hand. O'Neill rose up over the table and sprayed bullets from his MP-5, keeping the Jaffa warriors pinned down while Carter retreated back behind the console. Teal'c's staff weapon spat deadly fire, taking out a Serpent Guard that had been drawing a bead on O'Neill's unprotected head.

DeeDee's finger was closer to the control panel.

Dodging a zat blast, Jackson crouched down behind the computer console. In retaliation, he fired off a few rounds from his Beretta 9mm, driving the opposing Jaffa back behind the jumble of chairs he had emerged from.

"Tra la laa, la la la laaaa," DeeDee sang, savoring the moment. Her finger hovered for an instant over the bright red button.

A Jaffa tried to make his way towards DeeDee and the bomb. Carter and Jackson both fired at him, forcing him back and away from his intended target.

Dexter burst out of hiding when he realized what his sister was about to do. O'Neill cursed and made a quick snatch at him, which Dexter deftly avoided, while waving his arms and shouting, "DeeDee, no! Don't--"

With a rapturous grin on her face, DeeDee pressed the button.

Humans and Jaffa alike all froze in disbelieving shock, gaping stupidly at DeeDee and the bomb. The unnatural stillness was broken when a pleasant, automated voice announced, "Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb is activated. Detonation will occur in five nanoos."

"Uh, oh," Jackson said.

Dexter slapped his forehead in disgust. "Oh, I have such a stupid sister."

"What is a nanoo?" asked Teal'c.

"We're not sticking around to find out!" O'Neill snarled, gesturing at the door with his MP-5. "Grab the kids and let's get out of here!"

Dexter protested, "Wait! Don't be stupid! I can deactivate the bomb! We cannot miss this tremendous opportunity for science!"

O'Neill had had about as much as he could take of Dexter. Besides, he was still hacked off about being compared to a monkey--and unfavorably, at that. "Get those damn kids out of here!" he shouted as he shot another Jaffa.

Taking advantage of the Jaffa's startled confusion, Teal'c and O'Neill covered Carter and Jackson as they grabbed the two protesting children. The group bolted out the door, running as fast as their legs would carry them. The sudden movement caused the Jaffa to wake up to the escape and give chase.

"Teal'c, which way to the 'gate?" O'Neill gasped, puffing with the exertion of running and shooting at the Jaffa that were hot on their heels.

"This way." Teal'c sprinted out ahead of the group and led them through the corridors, taking a number of twists and turns.

O'Neill paused long enough to toss a grenade around the corner, at the angry pursuers that were far too close behind them. The explosion shook the hallways, and even brought down pieces of the ceiling. The Jaffa were nowhere in sight. "Man, I really love grenades," he commented to no one in particular, as he took off after his team.

At last they reached the Goa'uld gateroom. O'Neill and Teal'c took up defensive positions just inside the door. Jackson dropped DeeDee and ran to the DHD. Carter set Dexter down no more gently and moved beside Jackson, covering him while he frantically punched in the glyphs for Earth.

O'Neill poked his head out into the hallway to take a quick look at the situation. His eyes widened. "Holy--"

A horde of Jaffa were heading straight towards the gateroom. One of them took aim with a zat gun and fired, the energy hitting the wall to one side of the colonel, showering him with crackling sparks.

"Where the hell did they all come from?" O'Neill screamed as he ducked back into the gateroom. Teal'c sealed the door shut behind them, then fired his staff at the controls to disable them. Heavy thumping could be heard as the Jaffa outside hammered on the door.

"That will not hold them off for long," he told O'Neill, raising his voice a little to be heard over the pounding.

"You guys hear that?" O'Neill called back rhetorically, as he loaded a fresh magazine into his MP-5. He leveled the submachine gun at the door. Teal'c followed suit with his staff weapon.

Jackson slapped his hand onto the DHD's orange dome. The Stargate activated, the violent explosion of energy the most beautiful thing anyone on SG-1 could remember seeing. As the event horizon stabilized, Jackson keyed the iris code into his GDO. "I've sent the code!" he shouted behind him. "Waiting on confirmation!"

"They'd better hurry," Carter said, watching as O'Neill and Teal'c defended the door. The thuds had stopped, to be replaced by the sound of staff blasts. The door started to glow a dull red.

The safety indicator on the GDO lit green. "Got confirmation!" Jackson yelled. "It's clear! Let's go!"

"Great! Send the kids through!" O'Neill ordered, edging his way back towards the Stargate while covering the glowing door.

"No!" Dexter shouted, annoyed by the stupidity of adults. "I told you, I can deactivate the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb. I must retrieve it for further study!" DeeDee just bounced up and down, happy as a grig and totally oblivious to the potential annihilation awaiting her.

In utter exasperation, Teal'c dropped his staff weapon, grabbed both Dexter and DeeDee by their collars, and literally threw them through the Stargate. He picked up his staff, calling, "O'Neill, the children are through!"

"Everyone, go through now!" O'Neill shouted back. "Now!"

Jackson and Carter bolted into the event horizon. Teal'c hesitated. "O'Neill?"

"I'm right behind you! Go! Hurry!" The door burst apart, sending hot shrapnel flying in all directions. O'Neill sprayed bullets at the Jaffa that advanced into the room. Teal'c dove through the Stargate.

O'Neill plunged into the event horizon a bare instant before the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb went off, destroying the Goa'uld Councilworld utterly and sending a wild surge of energy through the wormhole.

*****

The SGC's klaxons went off in a deafening burst of sound. "Offworld activation!" Harriman called, as a squad of armed guards ran into the embarkation room and took defensive positions, rifles aimed directly at the Stargate's center.

Hammond moved over to the technician's console. "Who is it?" he asked impatiently.

Harriman watched his display for a moment, then announced, "It's SG-1's signal, sir."

"Open the iris, son."

Hammond watched as the iris slid open, revealing the rippling blue pool of light that was the Stargate's event horizon. The Stargate started making a humming noise, which gradually increased in intensity into a violent, shrill whine. The event horizon swirled and churned with excess energy, glowing with incandescent brilliance.

Abruptly, Jackson and Carter flew from the luminescent pool's center to slam into the ramp below. Teal'c followed close behind, also hitting the ramp hard. All three were immediately rendered unconscious by the impact.

A split second later, O'Neill's body was flung from the event horizon. He bounced off of Teal'c and rolled halfway down the ramp, where he lay groaning.

Hammond waited, but no more travelers were forthcoming from the event horizon. The Stargate deactivated, somewhat anticlimactically, leaving in its wake four bodies sprawled at various positions along the ramp's length. The general heard Harriman calling for a medical team as he rushed down the stairs to the embarkation room. He bounded across the room and up the metal ramp leading to the Stargate, then knelt beside the only semiconscious member of SG-1.

He pulled O'Neill up to a sitting position and urgently asked, "Colonel O'Neill, where are the children?"

O'Neill just moaned, his head lolling forward onto his chest.

"Colonel O'Neill!" Hammond slapped O'Neill's face lightly, trying to bring the man to some semblance of awareness. O'Neill's head jerked up, his eyes blinked a few times, and he stared at the general with vague incomprehension. Hammond tried again, "Colonel O'Neill, where are the kids?"

"Kids?" O'Neill slurred, his eyes crossing.

"Dexter and DeeDee! They didn't come through the 'gate with you!"

O'Neill muttered something that was barely audible, then his eyes rolled up in his head and he fainted dead away. Hammond frowned and gently lowered the man back down to the ramp.

A medical team rushed into the embarkation room and immediately set to work on the unconscious members of SG-1. Hammond stood out of their way and stared up at the Stargate, perplexed. He could have sworn he'd heard O'Neill say, "Good riddance."

*****

The Stargate activated, forming its impressive event horizon of glowing blue. The glow became brighter and brighter, and an angry hum filled the air.

Suddenly, Dexter and DeeDee were flung from the center of the Stargate at a high velocity. An enormous airbag appeared, seemingly from nowhere, and the two children crashed into it. In the blink of an eye, the Stargate deactivated behind them.

"That was quite a trip," Dexter observed calmly, as he struggled from the airbag and jumped down to the floor. He adjusted his glasses in annoyance. "Fortunately for us, my Automatic Micro-Molecular Airbag inflated to macroscopic size and cushioned our landing, or we would surely have splatted on the floor and sustained serious injuries."

DeeDee bounced from the airbag to the floor and pirouetted gleefully. "Wheeee!" she exclaimed with unbounded enthusiasm. "That was fun, Dexter! Let's do it again!"

Hands on his hips, Dexter surveyed the alien surroundings. They were in a grayish chamber so large it seemed to echo, and the architecture followed lines he would never have associated with human designs. Impressive equipment lined the walls.

Dexter frowned, then pulled out a pencil and notepad and scribbled furiously. "It appears that the activation of the Quantum Gravitonic Implosion Bomb imparted a tremendous amount of energy to the Stargate, causing the wormhole to temporarily jump to this location for a few nanoseconds, before returning to the Earth Gate. Based on the almost immeasurable amount of energy that I calculate the bomb released, I must conclude that we are no longer in the Milky Way galaxy."

"That is correct," a high-pitched, fluting voice stated. "You are in the galaxy of Ida."

Dexter and DeeDee both spun around, and came face to face with a group of ten short, gray skinned beings with spindly limbs, oversized heads, and enormous, coal-black eyes. The aliens didn't appear to be wearing a stitch of clothing.

"Oooh, look, Dexter," DeeDee said, wide-eyed and pointing at the beings. "They look like those aliens on the X-Files."

"They appear to be human children," one of the aliens said.

"From Earth?" another inquired curiously.

"Of course we're from Earth!" Dexter announced peevishly. "What is it with you alien beings, that you must always state the blindingly obvious? Is there no intelligence in this universe worthy of associating with me?"

The first alien blinked owlishly. "Excuse me?"

"At least your technology appears to be advanced to an acceptable level," Dexter commented, looking around the chamber. "Who are you, anyway? And what is this place?"

The first alien introduced itself, "My name is Thor. We are the Asgard. You are on the planet Othala."

Dexter howled in frustration at that information. "More aliens masquerading as ancient Earth deities! What is the universe coming to?"

The group of Asgard just stared, unsure what to make of him.

Bored with the whole conversation, DeeDee started dancing about the chamber, singing aimlessly, checking out all the equipment for pretty colored lights, while pushing buttons and pulling levers at random intervals. Alarms pitched for inhuman ears started to shriek. Dexter sighed and rolled his eyes heavenward.

"What is she doing?" Thor asked, alarmed at both her manic activity and the cacophony she was creating.

"What comes naturally," Dexter replied with heartfelt resignation. "To her, at least. I put up with this all the time."

As Dexter and the Asgard watched, DeeDee pounced from panel to control panel, before finally lighting at an elaborate, impressive piece of equipment. Numerous colored lights and geometric displays covered the front panel, and directly in its center was an isolated, large, red-lit button. Dexter gasped when he saw where her attention was focused. "Oh no! DeeDee, wait--"

"Oooooh, what does this button do?" DeeDee asked aloud, as she stabbed her right index finger unerringly at the glowing button.

 ***** end *****

 _August 26, 2000_


End file.
